Thunderstorm.

November 23rd, 2008.

Walking in at the dead of night is the first thing.
Coming out at the crack of dawn is the last.
She can't keep going on the way she is.
Waltzing through a thunderstorm is not the way to go.
Her movements by night give her the aches and pains by day.
She bleeds, but no one notices.
In your eyes, she is just a cheap whore.
She wonders if she's made enough today,
to pay the bills tomorrow.
She is independent and always has been.
She has learned to only listen to herself.
You can speak, but she won't hear you.
She is hard, and unfeeling, and stiff; but broken still.
Interactions with the human kind are trouble.
She has never felt a hand wrap around her own,
or the warmth of a smile.
She feels the cold, naked, touch of selfish men.
Night after night after night.
The cycle is unbroken.
Bashing on her, beating her down.
She is strong, but sometimes she still cries.
She is as much of a human as you.
You see her with blinded eyes,
knowing she has brought this on herself.
Her pain is signing the check for the choices she's made.
Her ears ring with the silence of words unspoken.
She knows very well what you are thinking.
She doesn't need you.
She doesn't need anyone.
Her soul is telling her a different story.
But she doesn't hear it.
She can feel the black hole inside her chest -
she feels it pull everything in, and take it all away.
It's only getting bigger.
The harder she works, the more numb she grows.
She's not even trying to hold on anymore.
You see her with blinded eyes.
You see her with blinded eyes.
The cycle wears on and and on and on and...

Holding Me Together.

November 16th, 2008.

Right now, there is nothing holding me together. Absolutely nothing. I only want a hand to be holding mine. But there isn't one. And there hasn't been for quite some time. Sometimes all I can think about is going home.
I hate the way the air smells here. And how early the sun sets, and how the people on the street only glance over you with cold, unconcerned eyes as they continue on with their own lives. I hate everything about it.
Ans I am so alone. I am worried about everything. One thing in particular is tearing me down. I worry about dying. I wonder if this cancer is killing me as fast as it should be. I imagine I can feel it spreading through every inch of me, through my bones, as deep as anything could ever go. Through my mind, my soul. It decays everything it touches, before you even know it does. Rips it all apart. Nobody will every know that it was there.
I need to end it before it ends me. Sometimes I pretend I am holding a gun in place of a pen. I fear that if I wait toolong to tell anyone, that it will do me in. I whisper things to myself, but that's not good enough. I can't fix this myself. If I just had somebody to listen! But I'm not blaming anyone but circumstance.
I'm in desperate need of a way out. I wonder if I'm being punished for something, every time I find myself crying alone in the dark. Is this normal? Normal to feel like pieces are falling away from you, that belong to you; lke life couldn't possibly last any longer? I can feel my most terrible thoughts crawling up my skin in the middle of the day. My very soul, crumbling into pieces, right here with me. I only want a hand to be holding mine.
But there is nothing to hold me together.

I Remember.

November 7th, 2008.

You were my favorite person in the world.
You were my laughter, and I was your joke. Your smile could light up anything it wanted; even the inside of me, that never saw light except for when it came to you.
You never knew a thing.
You could confide in me, secrets I would never tell. And I would listen to you, because no one else would. Weren't we perfect? We were twins, too. Matching pants, shoes, smiles. And I bet we still are.
You were so crazy. We had so much fun...All we had to do was be together, be ourselves. And you made me crazy.
I remember when I would need to have a "talk" without you, and we'd do it in the storage closet. I always locked it. For you, not me. And it always tickled me when I realized what it would like when we emerged. People were constantly asking if you were my boyfriend. We would come out and I'd be laughing, and you shaking your head. It was the only time you could pass as serious. Brett would start toward us, determination on his face. We'd make a run for it - I, to the ladies's bathroom, you to the mens'.
I remember when you went to war for me, with Chris. It makes me laugh every time I think think of how it ended. With the knife waving, and Rick yelling at you two to break it up. It makes me laugh to think of how it happened, too.
I remember when we all went to get ice cream after we planted flowers in front of the pregnancy center. Everyone was hot and sweaty, but you and me, because no one would give us real jobs anyways. I, for one, knew exactly why, and didn't care at all. Hosing the sidewalk with you teasing me was way too much fun. There was that boy I could not get over. I waved to him. Feeling bubbly, knowing I looked it. All the other girls laughed at me. He kept riding his bike back and forth, back and forth, between the catholic school and the picnic tables outside Dairy Delights. He was so solemn. Determined. He started singing along to the music on his iPod at one point. It was so cute. I said i was going to marry him. You asked me if I was serious. I said yes. You picked up your sundae, and went to a different table. It was as cute as the black-haired boy on the bike. I love it when you get jealous.
I remember how I felt for you in the baby food-eating contest. You sat up straight, and threw up all over your shirt. You looked sick. Pathetic. For the first time, I took pity on you. Until you gave me a forceful goodbye hug, rubbing dried vomit all over my chest.
I remember your puppy-dog eyes you gave me, every time I told you something I knew about your "love life" and wouldn't tell. When were at McDonald's, you were carrying my drink to the table. And I was carrying Mikayla's secret. She made me promise not to tell anyone that she had a crush on you. All I had to say was that I knew someone like you...Then you would stop at nothing. Two days later, you were on your knees, kissing my feet and telling me I was a goddess. We were at the bowling alley, your lips on dirty bowling shoes. It was a sight to behold.
I remember the shaving cream fight. It started with a hug. You hugging me with it all over your shirt, your face, and making me laugh. All I remember was scooping a handful off my shoulder and flinging it at you. Then everybody was doing it. We didn't care about anyone else, at least I didn't. It was just you and me, IT was all a blur of flying white. But nothing mattered - it could have been the sky. There was too little on my mind to not know when to duck it. But somehow you ended up hitting me in the face with every other shot. You've always made me wonder. We almost kissed. Someone said to break it up. You smiled and rubbed some into my face. I smiled back and piled some on your head. You were running, I was chasing you. Someone was screaming. Everyone was watching. We looked at each other and laughed. It wasn't even possible to stop.
Because you're crazy. I wonder if you even remember.

My Baby.

October 7th, 2008.

He crawls into my lap silently. His body is so warm. He grins at me, and I can tell that he's tired. It doesn't matter. His smile is like fire. It contains so much energy. It constantly holds the threat of burning something down. And it spreads. He says something and giggles. I smile at him, even though I can't understand what he's saying. His "baby" is in his mouth, resting right between his chubby cheeks. I love it when he sits with me. When he shows me he loves me, only because he does. One of his little hands is resting on my leg. The other is on my shoulder. He has his arm around me. Even though he is so small, he makes me feel safe. He's my big boy. But he's my baby. I love him more than anything.

Susan.

October 6th, 2008

Disappointed.
I sit back down, unsure of what I should do next. I'd made th call. Nobody had answered. But I had the phone in my room, I had made the announcement. What can I do? I don't want to just sit here, all alone. Maybe I could still call somebody. But who? My mind pulls back, my heart steps forward, allowing memories to rush through. We are laughing, jumping up and down. She looks at me, her eyes are shining. "He waved back! Did you see him? He waved back." She laughs some more. I am laughing too, but harder. We are about to do something crazy, when Brett call us back inside. But she probably won't want to hear from me. She wouldn't after this long. "Jenny! How could you do this to yourself?" Tears are in her eyes. "Were you mad? Why would you take it out on yourself?" I lower my head, so she won't see my shame. "Listen. You can call me, if you ever need to talk. Please talk to me, okay? I don't want you to hurt yourself. I love you." I am afraid that it will be awkward. I don't want to ruin what I thought was teh best friendship of my life, by one mistake. A phone call at a bad time. One thing coming down on top of all our happy memories. What if it's the last time I talk to her? By the look on her face, I can tell she wants me to say I was kidding. "You're really moving? He got the job? And it's for real this time?" I say yes. She is about to burst into tears. "But Jenny! I can't live without you! You're my best friend in the world! And Colorado is so far way...we'll never see each other again. Oh, Jenny..." I remind her that we can still talk. "But what if we don't?" And both of our hearts are broken. Suddenly I remember sharing the heartbreak. There was so much of it. The emotions overcome me. I remember the laughter, the hugs, the long nights the long nights we'd whisper to each other about such stupid things. I remember what she did for me. And I remember that she was the only one there, when I needed someone to hold me up because I couldn't do it myself anymore. She really does love me. Why do I worry so much? I look back at the phone. Her number will never leave my memory. I dial it, very slowly. I pull it toward my ear. It's ringing. I can hear my heart beating. "Hello?"
"Susan?"
"Jenny! Oh my God! I miss you so much! I'm going to cry."
And just like magic, everything else disappears. It's only Susan now.

October.

October 5th, 2008.

I am wearing a summer dress. My favorite one. If I spin, it spins with me; and when I walk it flows out behind. I love the tiny straps sitting on my shoulders. I like feeling the breeze on my skin.And when my hair swings back and forth across my back. I can feel everything. I step outside and the wind slaps me in the face. It's raining, hard. Each raindrop has a little piece of ice in the middle. They're falling all over. My face, my shoulders, my legs, my feet. It is the most amazing thing. I feel like I can fly, when the wind is blowing the way it is. And it's so cold. The wind and the water are so cold. I feel like I am being stung, each time a raindrop hits me. And they are everywhere. Every element massaging me. I feel the cool rain pouring over my body. There is ice beneath my skin, crawling. I close my eyes, and hold my hands out. There is nothing more beautiful than this. I am running across the muddy grass. And my dress is flying out behind me, The wind, the rain, it's just too much. All I can do is laugh.