November 16th, 2008.
Right now, there is nothing holding me together. Absolutely nothing. I only want a hand to be holding mine. But there isn't one. And there hasn't been for quite some time. Sometimes all I can think about is going home.
I hate the way the air smells here. And how early the sun sets, and how the people on the street only glance over you with cold, unconcerned eyes as they continue on with their own lives. I hate everything about it.
Ans I am so alone. I am worried about everything. One thing in particular is tearing me down. I worry about dying. I wonder if this cancer is killing me as fast as it should be. I imagine I can feel it spreading through every inch of me, through my bones, as deep as anything could ever go. Through my mind, my soul. It decays everything it touches, before you even know it does. Rips it all apart. Nobody will every know that it was there.
I need to end it before it ends me. Sometimes I pretend I am holding a gun in place of a pen. I fear that if I wait toolong to tell anyone, that it will do me in. I whisper things to myself, but that's not good enough. I can't fix this myself. If I just had somebody to listen! But I'm not blaming anyone but circumstance.
I'm in desperate need of a way out. I wonder if I'm being punished for something, every time I find myself crying alone in the dark. Is this normal? Normal to feel like pieces are falling away from you, that belong to you; lke life couldn't possibly last any longer? I can feel my most terrible thoughts crawling up my skin in the middle of the day. My very soul, crumbling into pieces, right here with me. I only want a hand to be holding mine.
But there is nothing to hold me together.
I hate the way the air smells here. And how early the sun sets, and how the people on the street only glance over you with cold, unconcerned eyes as they continue on with their own lives. I hate everything about it.
Ans I am so alone. I am worried about everything. One thing in particular is tearing me down. I worry about dying. I wonder if this cancer is killing me as fast as it should be. I imagine I can feel it spreading through every inch of me, through my bones, as deep as anything could ever go. Through my mind, my soul. It decays everything it touches, before you even know it does. Rips it all apart. Nobody will every know that it was there.
I need to end it before it ends me. Sometimes I pretend I am holding a gun in place of a pen. I fear that if I wait toolong to tell anyone, that it will do me in. I whisper things to myself, but that's not good enough. I can't fix this myself. If I just had somebody to listen! But I'm not blaming anyone but circumstance.
I'm in desperate need of a way out. I wonder if I'm being punished for something, every time I find myself crying alone in the dark. Is this normal? Normal to feel like pieces are falling away from you, that belong to you; lke life couldn't possibly last any longer? I can feel my most terrible thoughts crawling up my skin in the middle of the day. My very soul, crumbling into pieces, right here with me. I only want a hand to be holding mine.
But there is nothing to hold me together.
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